17 November 2004

Things you can only say at Thanksgiving

  1. Talk about a huge breast!
  2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
  3. It's Cool Whip time!
  4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
  5. Whew, that was one terrific spread!
  6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
  7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
  8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
  9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
  10. Don't play with your meat.
  11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
  12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
  13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
  14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
  15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
  16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
  17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
  18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
  19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

13 November 2004

Letter to the Editors of Red State Newspapers

Making it's way around the internet…

Bravo middle America! Until election day, I was worried about what you were  going to do when your job is outsourced, when you find privatized social security isn't enough to live on, when you can't afford healthcare, when  you're arrested for something you didn't do and find you have no civil  liberties, when global warming's hurricanes and tornadoes destroy all you've  worked for, when a corporation poisons your drinking water (I drink bottled  water), or when your sons and daughters are killed in Iraq.

I don't worry  about myself. I'm only thirty, making close to $150K a year, and it's only  the beginning. I won't need social security, I will buy my way out of any  legal trouble, my investments are diversified enough to survive natural  disasters, my kids will get a superb education in private school, and believe me, on a salary like this, my health care costs are not a problem.   Best of all, you can bet that - like George Bush - neither I nor my kids  will ever be caught dead in some foreign war. That's what you're for!

Privilege has its perks. While you were voting based on feelings about an abortion you'll never have or gay people you don't know, you increased my tax cuts and made my life easier. Yours will get harder, and in the  process, you will get what you exactly what you voted for. You got played, middle America, and all of us "latte drinking liberals" and the rest of the rich thank you for being too stupid to realize it.