8 October 2005

This Bong Water tastes good

A look at the burgeoning energy drink market, where Americans are pouring all this electrified Kool-Aid down their throats.
What is emerging is a fascinating sociological mosaic of micro-marketed energy drinks, an array so comprehensive it's like putting all of American pop culture in a convenience store cooler. Among my favorites: Kabbalah Energy Drink (also available in mystic sugar-free); Crunk!!!; Pimpjuice; Happy Bunny Spaz Juice (for the hard-to-reach sorority girl demo); Jones Whoop Ass Energy Drink; Orange County Choppers; Club America (directed at Latino soccer fans); Firefighter Brand EMS Strong; and Raw Dawg, which contains horny goat weed, an "herb" that's an alleged aphrodisiac.

Speaking of herb, coming soon is an "energized soft drink" called Bong Water. This will, of course, lead to the most unlikely sentences ever uttered in English, such as: "This Bong Water tastes good," or "Don't bogart the Bong Water."

Toby McBride, CEO of Bad Boy Beverage Co., wants to assure the public that, "We don't endorse drugs and alcohol." Good to know.

From here there are many directions to go, and considering the frog-on-a-hotplate condition of my brain, I want to go in all of them. What are the metabolic effects of compounds such as taurine, glucuronolactone, L-carnitine and yohimbe extract? According to John Craven, editor of, a beverage industry information resource, nobody really knows, and your government, for the most part, doesn't want to know. "The industry is largely unregulated," Craven says. "As far as soft drinks are concerned, there's no process for getting them tested and approved."

Loads of caffeine, sugar, plus intentional awful taste… …blah.

And the first time I saw that poster hawking Pimpjuice I thought it was some kind of Photoshop prank.

Yes, blame it all on the light bulb.