25 April 2003

George W. Bush Resume

Past work experience:
  • Ran for congress and lost.

  • Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.

  • Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas, company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

  • Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using tax-payer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago Cubs.

  • With fathers help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

    Accomplishments: Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union. Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money. Set record for most executions by any Governor in American history.

  • Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my fathers appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments as president:

  • Attacked and took over two countries.

  • Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.

  • Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.

  • Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.

  • Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.

  • First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

  • First president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.

  • First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history.

  • After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in US history.

  • Set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips than any other president in US history.

  • In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.

  • Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in US history.

  • Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12 month period.

  • Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.

  • Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.

  • Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in US history.

  • Presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.

  • Presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.

  • Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.

  • Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. (

  • Dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.

  • My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history.

  • Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (the 'poorest' multi-millionaire, Condoleeza Rice has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).

  • First president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.

  • Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.

  • First president in US history to order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.

  • Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.

  • Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in US history.

  • First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights commission.

  • First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the elections monitoring board.

  • Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.

  • Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.

  • Withdrew from the World Court of Law.

  • Refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

  • First president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US elections).

  • All-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.

  • My biggest life-time campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).

  • Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.

  • First president in US history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.

  • First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)

  • First US president to establish a secret shadow government.

  • Took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).

  • With a policy of 'dis-engagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.

  • First US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.

  • First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.

  • Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

  • Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.

  • Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'.

  • Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.

  • In the 18 months following the 911 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.

  • Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.

  • In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war.

  • Entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

Records and References:

  • At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).

  • AWOL from National Guard and Deserted the military during a time of war.

  • Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.

  • All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.

  • All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.

  • All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.

  • Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public review.

  • For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)

24 April 2003

Neoconservatives Promoting Return of Son of Shah to Iran

Reza Pahlavi, the eldest son of the former Shah of Iran who ruled from 1941 to 1979, is waiting in the wings for Operation Iranian Freedom. Pahlavi, a USC graduate and US Air Force trained fighter pilot, has even got an excellent website up, detailing his goals for a new free Iran:

Today, however, the time has come to write a new chapter in the history of my country.

My goal is simple, achievable and straightforward. I envision an Iran: wherein its prosperous economy gives every Iranian an equal chance for hope and opportunity; An Iran where its women fully participate in the political, socio-economic and cultural life of their homeland; An Iran where its press is free from intimidation, harassment, imprisonment and torture; This vision includes a progressive, civil and stable society in which the separation of Religion and State is recognized. Finally, the Iran of tomorrow ought to have a foreign policy based on principles of harmony and mutual respect.

Yes, yes, a return to the planting and nurturing of CIA puppets that brutalize and terrorize their subjects is in full bloom ...

Grandfather Reza Khan was a respected warfighter in the Cossack Brigade in the late 1800's, and ultimately led a coup to rid the country of a government that allowed British, Russian and Ottoman troops to occupy Iran during World War I. Khan became Prime Minister of the new government and four years later in 1925, ascended to the throne replacing the weakly Ahmad Mirza Shah. He took the name Reza Shah Pahlavi (Reza Shah Kabir or Reza Shah the Great) and the dynasty was underway.

According to "Reza Shah introduced many great reforms, reorganizing the army, government administration, and finances. He abolished all special rights granted to foreigners, thus gaining real independence for Iran. Under Reza Shah's 16 years of rule, roads and Trans-Iranian Railway were built, modern education was introduced and the University of Tehran was established, and for the first time, systematic dispatch of Iranian students to Europe was started. Industrialization of the country was stepped-up, and achievements were great. By the mid 1930's Reza Shah's dictatorial style of rule caused dissatisfaction in Iran. In World War II the Allies protested his rapprochement with the Germans, and in 1941 British and Russian forces invaded and occupied Iran. Forced to abdicate in favor of his son, Mohammad Reza Shah Pahlavi, he died in exile in Johannesburg, South Africa in 1944."

Like father like son, so yet another cliche has it, and Mohammed Reza Shah Pahlavi was also forced to abdicate and subsequently died in 1980, exiled in Egypt. This Shah of Iran was embroiled in the CIA coup that ousted quixotic Prime Minister Mohammed Mossadeq and was a pawn of successive American administrations during the Cold War, which pitted the USSR against the USA. His popular legacy is the current theocratic regime in Iran and SAVAK--the brutal intelligence arm of the Shah. For a short time, though, he waived the flag of democratic reform and Iranians had high hopes for democracy. He instituted the White Revolution, a 1963 program that included land reform, the extension of voting rights to women, and the elimination of illiteracy. But the trappings of power, fear of opposition groups, and insensitivity towards Islam (Arab Muslims conquered Iran in roughly 650 BCE) led him, like his father, into an insular dictatorship and all the wretched practices that method entails.

16 April 2003

Meanwhile in the Homeland...

... the GW Bush administration continues to leave sensible folks speechless with its shameless key administration position selections. The most recent being the selection of a former DoubleClick officer for Department of Homeland Security privacy czar. In case you are foggy on who DoubleClick is, let me fill you in. They're the biggest exploiter of planting cookies on your web browser and collecting volumes of personal information on web patrons. They have been embroiled in complaint investigations several class-action lawsuits. Nuala O'Connor Kelly filled the PR void for the embattled company, and throttled up the damage control efforts to minimize the negative fallout from DoubleClick's privacy violations.

Then again, appointments of this sort have been typical fare for the GWB regime:

  • Secretary of DoE - Abrahams, only previous experience was proposing to Congress to eliminate the DoE.
  • Secretary of Interior - Gail Norton, former mining industry lobbyist
  • Secretary of EPA - Christine Whitman, former NJ governor who reportedly received donations from the chemical industry
  • Secretary of Army - Thomas White, former top Enron officer, accepts free ski vacations from Enron, then proposes to outsource utilities on military bases to Enron...
  • Head of TIA - Admiral Poindexter, convicted of destroying evidence and lying to Congress...
  • ...and more as I'm sure I've missed a few more...

On the other hand, this appointment is completely consistent with the Orwellian theme of the GWB regime...

8 April 2003

Taliban Resurgence

Yes, you may remember that other campaign, the one to root out Al-Qaida and the Taliban. Well, it appears that the Taliban are reemerging in control of a war torn Afghanistan.

...the Taliban is not only determined to remain a force in this country, but also is reorganizing and reviving its command structure.

There is little to stop them. The soldiers and police who were supposed to be the bedrock of a stable postwar Afghanistan have gone unpaid for months and are drifting away.

At a time when the United States is promising a reconstructed democratic postwar Iraq, many Afghans are remembering hearing similar promises not long ago.

Instead, what they see is thieving warlords, murder on the roads, and a resurgence of Taliban vigilantism.

So much for "liberating" Afghanistan ... Iraq will probably share a similar fate...

The Red Cross has suspended operations in Afghanistan indefinitely due to the danger now posed to international workers.

2 April 2003

A Warmonger Explains War to a Peacenik

PeaceNik: Why did you say we are we invading Iraq?

WarMonger: We are invading Iraq because it is in violation of security council resolution 1441. A country cannot be allowed to violate security council resolutions.

PN: But I thought many of our allies, including Israel, were in violation of more security council resolutions than Iraq.

WM: It's not just about UN resolutions. The main point is that Iraq could have weapons of mass destruction, and the first sign of a smoking gun could well be a mushroom cloud over NY.

PN: Mushroom cloud? But I thought the weapons inspectors said Iraq had no nuclear weapons.

WM: Yes, but biological and chemical weapons are the issue.

PN: But I thought Iraq did not have any long range missiles for attacking us or our allies with such weapons.

WM: The risk is not Iraq directly attacking us, but rather terrorists networks that Iraq could sell the weapons to.

PN: But coundn't virtually any country sell chemical or biological materials? We sold quite a bit to Iraq in the eighties ourselves, didn't we?

WM: That's ancient history. Look, Saddam Hussein is an evil man that has an undeniable track record of repressing his own people since the early eighties. He gasses his enemies. Everyone agrees that he is a power-hungry lunatic murderer.

PN: We sold chemical and biological materials to a power-hungry lunatic murderer?

WM: The issue is not what we sold, but rather what Saddam did. He is the one that launched a pre-emptive first strike on Kuwait.

PN: A pre-emptive first strike does sound bad. But didn't our ambassador to Iraq, April Gillespie, know about and green-light the invasion of Kuwait?

WM: Let's deal with the present, shall we? As of today, Iraq could sell its biological and chemical weapons to Al Quaida. Osama BinLaden himself released an audio tape calling on Iraqis to suicide-attack us, proving a partnership between the two.

PN: Osama Bin Laden? Wasn't the point of invading Afghanistan to kill him?

WM: Actually, it's not 100% certain that it's really Osama Bin Laden on the tapes. But the lesson from the tape is the same: there could easily be a partnership between al-Qaida and Saddam Hussein unless we act.

PN: Is this the same audio tape where Osama Bin Laden labels Saddam a secular infidel?

WM: You're missing the point by just focusing on the tape. Powell presented a strong case against Iraq.

PN: He did?

WM: Yes, he showed satellite pictures of an Al Quaeda poison factory in Iraq.

PN: But didn't that turn out to be a harmless shack in the part of Iraq controlled by the Kurdish opposition?

WM: And a British intelligence report...

PN: Didn't that turn out to be copied from an out-of-date graduate student paper?

WM: And reports of mobile weapons labs...

PN: Weren't those just artistic renderings?

WM: And reports of Iraqis scuttling and hiding evidence from inspectors...

PN: Wasn't that evidence contradicted by the chief weapons inspector, Hans Blix?

WM: Yes, but there is plenty of other hard evidence that cannot be revealed because it would compromise our security.

PN: So there is no publicly available evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

WM: The inspectors are not detectives, it's not their JOB to find evidence. You're missing the point.

PN: So what is the point?

WM: The main point is that we are invading Iraq because resolution 1441 threatened "severe consequences." If we do not act, the security council will become an irrelevant debating society.

PN: So the main point is to uphold the rulings of the security council?

WM: Absolutely. ...unless it rules against us.

PN: And what if it does rule against us?

WM: In that case, we must lead a coalition of the willing to invade Iraq.

PN: Coalition of the willing? Who's that?

WM: Britain, Turkey, Bulgaria, Spain, and Italy, for starters.

PN: I thought Turkey refused to help us unless we gave them tens of billions of dollars.

WM: Nevertheless, they may now be willing.

PN: I thought public opinion in all those countries was against war.

WM: Current public opinion is irrelevant. The majority expresses its will by electing leaders to make decisions.

PN: So it's the decisions of leaders elected by the majority that is important?

WM: Yes.

PN: But George Bush wasn't elected by voters. He was selected by the U.S. Supreme C...-

WM: I mean, we must support the decisions of our leaders, however they were elected, because they are acting in our best interest. This is about being a patriot. That's the bottom line.

PN: So if we do not support the decisions of the president, we are not patriotic?

WM: I never said that.

PN: So what are you saying? Why are we invading Iraq?

WM: As I said, because there is a chance that they have weapons of mass destruction that threaten us and our allies.

PN: But the inspectors have not been able to find any such weapons.

WM: Iraq is obviously hiding them.

PN: You know this? How?

WM: Because we know they had the weapons ten years ago, and they are still unaccounted for.

PN: The weapons we sold them, you mean?

WM: Precisely.

PN: But I thought those biological and chemical weapons would degrade to an unusable state over ten years.

WM: But there is a chance that some have not degraded.

PN: So as long as there is even a small chance that such weapons exist, we must invade?

WM: Exactly.

PN: But North Korea actually has large amounts of usable chemical, biological, AND nuclear weapons, AND long range missiles that can reach the west coast AND it has expelled nuclear weapons inspectors, AND threatened to turn America into a sea of fire.

WM: That's a diplomatic issue.

PN: So why are we invading Iraq instead of using diplomacy?

WM: Aren't you listening? We are invading Iraq because we cannot allow the inspections to drag on indefinitely. Iraq has been delaying, deceiving, and denying for over ten years, and inspections cost us tens of millions.

PN: But I thought war would cost us tens of billions.

WM: Yes, but this is not about money. This is about security.

PN: But wouldn't a pre-emptive war against Iraq ignite radical Muslim sentiments against us, and decrease our security?

WM: Possibly, but we must not allow the terrorists to change the way we live. Once we do that, the terrorists have already won.

PN: So what is the purpose of the Department of Homeland Security, color-coded terror alerts, and the Patriot Act? Don't these change the way we live?

WM: I thought you had questions about Iraq.

PN: I do. Why are we invading Iraq?

WM: For the last time, we are invading Iraq because the world has called on Saddam Hussein to disarm, and he has failed to do so. He must now face the consequences.

PN: So, likewise, if the world called on us to do something, such as find a peaceful solution, we would have an obligation to listen?

WM: By "world", I meant the United Nations.

PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the United Nations?

WM: By "United Nations" I meant the Security Council.

PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the Security Council?

WM: I meant the majority of the Security Council.

PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the majority of the Security Council?

WM: Well... there could be an unreasonable veto.

PN: In which case?

WM: In which case, we have an obligation to ignore the veto.

PN: And if the majority of the Security Council does not support us at all?

WM: Then we have an obligation to ignore the Security Council.

PN: That makes no sense.

WM: If you love Iraq so much, you should move there. Or maybe France, with all the other cheese-eating surrender monkeys. It's time to boycott their wine and cheese, no doubt about that.

PN: I give up!